Throughout my extensive experience as a parent (ha) I have felt a wide range of emotions. Having my son at 16 has made my life both difficult and wonderful. I don't know if any other teenage parent has felt this way,but often times I feel stuck between being a teenager, and feeling like I'm in my forties. It is truly difficult to try to balance being a mother, wife, and responsible adult, when you're still a kid yourself. I am in no way complaining, I have been blessed far beyond what I expected. I am grateful for this beautiful life God has given me, but I also want to share the times that I've felt very conflicted.
After I had my son, junior year started for the rest of my peers. When everyone else started school, I was tending to my newborn son, which I was happy to do, but also wished I could be doing what other 16 year olds were doing. Having him literally changed every aspect of my life. If I got to hangout with my friends, there were multiple stops for breastfeeding and changing diapers, and it was so difficult because I felt like I couldn't just have a few minutes for a conversation. When I was able do things without Daniel I always felt guilty in the back of my mind, like I should have been with him, Even when I was out alone my motherhood duties never stopped, any time I was away I had to pump. I left breast-milk in some weird places that first year of his life, and I can't even count the times I've casually hung out with people while pumping milk under a blanket.
What should have been my senior year was one of the hardest years for me. I really wanted to finish my last year of highschool in public school, but it was never easy for me to be away from him. Another setback was not having the money for childcare. It felt selfish to me to want to experience my senior year of high school when I could be working or finishing school online (which I did). At that time I also watched my friends daughter while she was in school which made it hurt worse that I could't go. Although I graduated from high school that October, it was still bittersweet to see my friends go to prom or have graduation ceremonies that I wouldn't get to have.
My husband and I started dating when I was eight months pregnant. God must have sent him because I don't know many other 19 year olds who would accept responsibility for a child that wasn't theirs and be as devoted as him. He was at the hospital the day I gave birth and has been there for me and Daniel every single day since. Our relationship was kind of odd though, in our first months of dating included lots of late nights up together, but just to feed or soothe the baby. Our dates were mainly doctors appointments and fast food, not dinner and a movie. He didn't provide Daniel his DNA, but he has provided him with unconditional love and has invested years of time and has become a better dad to him than I could have ever asked for. Although we had an interesting relationship, I know now that we can get through anything together.
During Daniel's first two years of life we had a lot of "Baby Daddy" drama. other people my age were worrying about colleges or friend issues I was going to court for child support and agonizing everyday about how to handle my sons biological father wanting to see him, and how that would affect my boyfriend and the only daddy my son knew. I prayed and cried about what I would tell my son one day about his origins. I spent many nights holding Daniel tight to me and crying, thinking about all of the legal and moral decisions I would have to make. I remember looking at this sweet baby whom I love more than anything, and seeing such a strong resemblance to the man who hurt me so much. I can't even begin to describe the whirlwind of emotions I feel when it comes to Daniel's biological father. That is a lot for a 16 year old to handle.
During these times of distress is when God truly reveals his awesomeness. If I did not have God to lean on, I wouldn't have been able to make it through the wild journey of motherhood. He gives me so much hope. Every single day I look at my son I am reminded of how God can turn any ugly, sinful situation and turn it into a beautiful thing if we let Him.
Sometimes I get so hung up on trying to be so mature and old. I feel like a failure when I don't always have a perfectly healthy dinner on the table every single night, when most people my age are eating Ramen and pizza every night, not feeding a family. Sometimes I feel embarrassed that we don't have our own house yet, or get frustrated when we can't be 100% financially independent. I have felt inadequate to other women I know for not having a college degree when I'm not even old enough to have finished college . And then I remember, I am only nineteen! . I get so stuck on this idea of where I should be, when I need to have grace for myself and realize my family and I are perfect where we are.
I sometimes feel torn between wanting to be free and have less responsibility, and wanting to be a stay at home mom and wife. I don't know whether to wear skinny jeans or mom jeans. I feel conflicted about salads vs fries, I truly forget sometimes that I am not even in my twenties yet and don't need to worry so much about drinking soda or eating chips. I find it both heartbreaking and funny that I will be 29 when Daniel turns 13. I go to play groups, not study groups. My trips to the library are for story time and picture books instead of study materials. I feel guilty for binge watching Netflix during my free time instead of researching cures for diseases (that's what respectable adults do in their free time, right?). I am highly anticipating my 21st birthday, but not for the reasons you might think. I am excited because then my husband and I will meet the age requirements to become foster parents.
These are the challenges and thoughts I have had as a teen mother.
All of these thoughts are fleeting though, because I know God's purpose for me in life is to be a mother, and be a testimony to Him. I never doubted keeping my son and raising him because I know that I was meant to be his mom. The time I was pregnant was the time where I was at the very bottom, and had no where to look but up. This was the time that God took me in his arms, and really started to change my heart, so that when the time came for me to become a mother, I was ready, even at 16. I should have been older, and married when I had Daniel, but life doesn't always happen the way you think it will. Every time someone sees my little family they are shocked at how young we are. It is hard to grasp that we have a strong happy marriage when we are barely adults. It is unusual that we are good parents to our son when just a few years ago we were being parented ourselves. It is not us, we really don't know anything about anything, but it is by the grace of God that we are where we are today, and hopefully He can use us to be an encouragement to others.
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