Is This Your First?

 I am now reaching the end of my third pregnancy.
I feel like a beautiful life giving goddess and also like a large waddling sea creature that has forgotten what it's like to look down and see my toes.

Three times now I have been blessed to be able to carry life inside of my body.  I've been blessed to watch my belly grow, and to feel the first little flutters that turn into full fledged uncomfortable acrobatics.  Three times I have prayed over a child I have never met, carefully pondered and chose the perfect names, and shared in the excitement with my friends and family.

It is a beautiful thing to be a more seasoned mother, dare I say, a veteran.

I do not fear the pain of labor and childbirth, for I know that like all pain, it will only be temporary.
I don't dread the sleepless nights that lay ahead, for I know that one day my son will fall asleep on his own and I will long again for the quiet bonding time, as there is nothing quite like it.

This is my third, so I am conditioned to well meaning strangers commenting on my belly, or asking me questions I wouldn't normally get asked.

When are you due?
Are you sure there's just one?
Is this your first?

.....Is this your first?

A simple, seemingly innocuous question never fails to hit me like a ton a bricks.  My heart aches and a new wave of grief overwhelms me.

You see, my second child, my first daughter, was born sleeping.

So here I am, minding my business somewhere out in public and a nice stranger smiles at me and asks if this is my first.  I always smile brightly back and say proudly, "Nope! This is my third."

All the while this simple question has my heart pounding and I am again made painfully aware that instead of having a wiggly balling toddler with me, I stand alone.  Instead of high pitched giggles there is an almost deafening silence.

Now, most people leave it at that but some naturally ask about the ages, genders etc. of my other children.  Typically I say I have an 8 year old son and a daughter who passed away.  I seem to get more questions when I'm by myself; when my son is with me he is always quick to answer that he has a baby sister who died and a baby brother on the way.

I have a tattoo in honor of my daughter, Savannah.  The idea came from a decoration that was hung up in her nursery.  I absolutely adored the scripture, and wanted it to hang where she slept as an encouragement for the woman I wanted her to grow into as well as a reminder to practice what I preach.

The scripture comes from one of my favorite books of the bible, Proverbs.  Proverbs 31:25 says, "She is clothed in strength and dignity, and laughs without fear of the future."

I will be the first to admit that I have certainly not always been the type of woman described in Proverbs.  I have looked at my own arm covered in scripture and been heavily convicted, but I will say that I strive now everyday to be that woman.

I strive to be a woman of strength and dignity even in tough situations.  To be able to talk about my daughter with grace, even when most don't realize the strength it can take to answer an easy question.

Roughly 1 in 160 US pregnancies result in stillbirth.  Those statistics mean less than 1% of all pregnancies.  I am one of those mothers in the less than 1%.  There is a stigma around pregnancy loss that leaves many women to deal with their loss in silence.  Stillbirth leaves many woman with feelings of failure, confusion, guilt and hurt.  Some women might feel like they can't ever talk about a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. Some don't know where to begin to navigate the heavy question of...is this your first?

I cannot fix any of that, but I can share my story and my own experiences so that the other 1% of mothers quietly hurting from loss know that they are not alone.

If you've read this and neither babies nor pregnancy have anything to do with you, consider this a reminder to always be kind.  Be kind to every stranger you meet, be kind to your friends and family, because you truly never know what could be going on with someone, and the world could always use more compassion and kindness.