Today my daughter would have been one month old.
I have been through more at twenty two than most people go through in their entire lives, but I will never let what challenges life brings take my hope and my joy.
I have been called irritatingly optimistic.
I had my first child when I was 16, and he was conceived in rape. I loved my son from the moment I knew I was carrying him. I wasn’t really religious, but I did believe in God. The day I found out I was pregnant God spoke to me, or maybe a whisper, I don’t know how to describe it but I knew in my heart, in my spirit, that I was going to raise this baby and all would be well. And it was.
My son is greatly loved by so many people. It baffles my mind the way God turned something dreadful into something so very beautiful.
That is not
to say that my decision hasn’t come with extreme challenges and at times,
anguish and an unfathomable amount of emotions. But that is a story for a different day.
On December
12th when I saw that positive on the pregnancy test I was at first
in disbelief, then when it sank in I literally fell to my knees and started
crying. I was overwhelmed with joy. I
prayed and praised through tears thanks for giving us this little life
inside me.
We told
everyone right away. I didn’t worry for
a second that anything would happen to this baby. I believed arrogantly that God wouldn’t allow
me to go through another traumatic pregnancy experience.
Everything was perfect. I went to Walmart the day I found out and bought “I love daddy” pacifiers and a cute little bacon teether I thought my husband would like. That Friday I went and bought maternity clothes. I had everything in the house organized perfectly weeks before she was due. I couponed and had diapers and wipes stocked up for probably about a year. I had everything labeled so that when we came home with our baby girl my husband or anyone at the house would be able to find everything. I had our bedroom set up and ready for her for months. I was so incredibly excited.
The
pregnancy went perfectly. I worked out
up until the day before I delivered.
Even in my third trimester, people would assume I was so miserable, and,
most of the time, I answered with a smile and said no I wasn’t. My husband and
all of our families were excited, ready for this new addition to the family. I
was happily, joyfully, gratefully pregnant.
No words can
adequately describe the sorrow and despair felt when you are told your child
has died.
But there is always a light, and from that moment on I have never witnessed or felt so much love in my entire life.
My heart stopped. My world stopped. My baby? I was taken aback in disbelief. Thursday we had an ultrasound and she was perfectly healthy. The doctor turned the screen and I saw my baby's perfectly healthy body and spine curved around a heart that was still.
How could
this be? This happened to other people, not me.
How could we be in the tiny minority that have stillborn babies?
It should be a perfect delivery…we should be calling everyone telling
them that the long awaited baby girl was on her way.
After four more hours of painful labor and delivery, I gave birth to a baby that I knew was already gone. How could I find the strength when I knew that I wouldn't get to hear her cry...to give birth to death? It took all the little strength left in me, through tears to do it.
At 5:35 my daughter Savannah Rose Duncan was born. She was the most beautiful perfect little girl I have ever seen. I sobbed. I was in love. She was a perfect mix between me and my husband. I held her tightly. I knew that this time was the only time I would get with my long anticipated baby. Most of our immediate family was there by then, and was able to hold her, for the first and last time.
Gut
wrenching. Impossible. Horrifying.
My husband
and I were watching our baby girl be wheeled off to the morgue.
I wanted to rip my hair out, I felt like I was about to explode. How could life possibly go on without my baby girl? The thought of having a stillborn baby that was healthy and fully developed the day before seemed like an incomprehensible far away concept. But here I was. Barely surviving, without my daughter in this world. The grief and depression settled on me, weighing heavily all over my body, mind and spirit. I would look around, angry and confused that the world was still turning while mine had stopped. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t breath and it was so hard to see past this pain. I didn't want to live in a world my daughter wasn't in.
I wanted to rip my hair out, I felt like I was about to explode. How could life possibly go on without my baby girl? The thought of having a stillborn baby that was healthy and fully developed the day before seemed like an incomprehensible far away concept. But here I was. Barely surviving, without my daughter in this world. The grief and depression settled on me, weighing heavily all over my body, mind and spirit. I would look around, angry and confused that the world was still turning while mine had stopped. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t breath and it was so hard to see past this pain. I didn't want to live in a world my daughter wasn't in.
To say it has been a difficult journey for me and my family would be a grave understatement.
But God has
had us in his arms. We have had more
love and support from our community and family, and even strangers, than I even
knew was possible. My marriage has been
strengthened. All of my relationships have strengthened through this tragedy, and many broken ones restored. I have seen just a glimpse
of God’s beautiful, wonderful, mysterious plan.
God is good all the time.
Choose
joy. Choose love. Choose God.
My daughter
has made me a better person. While my
heart aches deeply and I desperately long for her to be in my arms, she is not.
But I do beleve she is is perfectly at peace, in the arms of Jesus in heaven.
But I choose
love. I will fight like hell everyday to
get through a world where my child isn’t with me. A world where another day isn't promised, and is full of sin and sadness everywhere. I will fight to always see the good.
I am
unbreakable.
But that
comes from a great trust in God. I
choose to seek Him and see the beauty in all things, even when I don’t
understand.
So now, you,
if you have read this, know wherever you are the IS hope.
Even in your
darkest, most desperate place, there is hope.
I have once
been told I have an irritatingly upbeat attitude and optimism.
That’s because I have been through hell on earth, but I have seen that any storm can end with sunshine and beauty.
I urge you,
love life. Live it. The good, the bad. One day it won’t matter, and we will be with
the Father.
Wherever you
are now, fight. Fight. Fight like hell and get through it. If I can, you can. Come out better and stronger. No circumstance is hopeless as long as you
choose hope, choose love.
I know I will, through all I have been through and having lost a child, I will smile.
I know I will, through all I have been through and having lost a child, I will smile.
I love you girl! I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. Your words make me want to be better, do better. Be stronger. You are a very brave woman. I truly look up to you. And hope to be as strong and incredibly brace as you are. Sending lots of love, prayers and strength your way.
ReplyDeleteThank you....that means so much to me and that's all I wanted. To possibly be an encouragement. ❤️
DeleteYou are a beautiful shining light in this world. Thank you for continuing to shine and for sharing your words of hope. You and your sweet family remain in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteYour words are well spoken. You are a true angel! Many of us may understand but we will never truly know the depth of your loss and pain. Nothing I say or do will ever be good enough to fill your void. Continue to lean on God and he will lead the way. I love you ��
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, our loved ones prayers I believe are what's keeping us uplifted. I love you too ❤️ Thank you
DeleteYou are so sweet! I try everyday. It is hard as hell, but our family will get through this, and be stronger.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you at such an unexpected difficult time. Your words really captured the essence of what you have been through. And your faith is inspiring, having hope in the midst of despair. But you also have permission to cry and grieve, and have the ups and downs of emotion. Your story will help others going through similar situations. God bless you and your family!
ReplyDeleteYou are awe inspiring !
ReplyDeleteThank you, sweet wonderful woman. ❤️😊
DeleteSo sorry for your loss! I know it's hard to grasp right now but God has a plan and a purpose for everything! I have two angel babies and three rotten precious blessings on Earth! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!! God Bless!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the prayers!! They are truly what is lifting my family up. God bless your sweet rugrats. ❤️ God is good all the time. Even when we can't see His whole plan.
DeleteI have so been wanting to come see you and Aaron and little Daniel but didn't know how you were feeling. I was so devastated when Megan told me the news. Your words are so beautiful and touched my heart. God has blessed you so much. You and your family are so loved. Thank You for sharing your story. Prayers and love to all of you. ♥️♥️ Debbie Salley
ReplyDeleteYou have given me a positively, inspiring new way to look at my world. I admire your strength not only to share your pain but also to allow people into your world for the moment that it seemed to fall apart around you and your husband and son. I thank you for the uplifting and motivating words. You are a truly amazing woman. Many blessings to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteYou have no clue what that means to me! All that I hoped and prayed for was that this post, this blog, would inspire those who read it. Thank you❤️
DeleteRose, I hope you will write more about your experience in the future. My experience was not the same as yours but so many things apply to any woman who has lost a baby. We need to bring more attention to how we as a society deal with the aftermath of the loss of a baby. The doctor doesn't tell you how strong your feelings will be afterward or how to deal with them. They just discharge you without any further comments on your loss. I was so distraught after my first miscarriage when no one talked to me about losing my baby. I wanted to talk about it but people were afraid I would be hysterical I think. It was easier after my tubal pregnancy, the circumstances forced people to discuss what happened since most didn't know what happened. The more we share our feelings it seems to help us come to a point where it the pain is tolerable. You still count their birthdays and think of what might have been but you understand it wasn't meant to be.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. And you are right, we need to talk about pregnancy losses more. The more people know and are educated, hopefully the less it will happen. But as you and I know, it is in Gods hands and sometimes it just happens. All I know, is that God is good all the time, and there is always hope.
DeleteThank you for telling your story. My deepest prayers are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you ❤️ For reading and praying. Our family so appreciates it.
DeleteSome of the things you said eerily apply to me. I just yesterday kind of renounced God bc of the deep level of despair in my life. I'd stopped wanting to live some time ago. I think God is trying to tell me something through your story. Not all is lost. God bless you and your family.
ReplyDeleteYou are right. Not all is lost. God is good all of the time. I have been in awe of the doors God has opened, as well as the people who have spoke to me, inspired, since my daughters death. Through any trial, there is always a light. ❤️❤️
DeleteThank you for sharing this Rose. It was so beautifully written. God will take any mountain that stands in front of us and turn it into a stepping stone. He is your strength. Thank you for trusting Him b/c He is giving strength to others as they read your story. He is giving strength to me. I love you!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you reposted this! Such a powerful message from a powerful woman of Faith! Love U!!
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your post and you're writing you are a strong and beautiful woman inside and out I have no idea what it's like to carry a baby for 9 months then lose her I know that is so pain that is unbearable. I am so sorry that that had to happen to you and I am so proud of you that you are strong enough to tell your story because it is helping so many people you are a wonderful person even though I didn't carry my baby for 9 months this is help me with healing from my miscarriage emotionally thank you so much.
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